I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
