What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm both gender and math confused
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
