Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
