I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
