White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
