i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I checked into jail on foursquare
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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