haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I puked a lego.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
