I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
