I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
