My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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