On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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