my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
