plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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