im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
