I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize