come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
