Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
