I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
