Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
