it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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