just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
