Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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