yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
