So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
