6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
