Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
