Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
