You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
