Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
even my farts smell like vagina
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
