I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
