I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
