turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
