Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
