grandma shit on top of the toilet
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
