Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
