I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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