Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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