did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
