I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
