Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
