Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
