I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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