I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
