My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
