i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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