I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
