Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
