life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
