At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
