if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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