I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
