i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
A+ Viking dick
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
