Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
